5 super easy ways to avoid agile change
Screw the Agile Manifesto and everything that comes with it! Especially Scrum. And those darn agile practices like pair programming, TDD, continuous integration, and whatever.\r\n\r\nIf you want to be part of the still huge group of people that doesn’t care about agility, take heed of these five easy ways to avoid getting involved by making a statement to those who wish to impose agile change upon you:\r\n\r\n1. “We are already getting the results we want, so get out of here!”\r\n\r\nGetting results is hard enough without agile frameworks and practices. But you get them anyway, don’t you? So you don’t want needless processes and practices. Just make sure that those change agents don’t get a chance to ask about your results. You are not waiting for improvement opportunities anyway. And besides, those people will never understand how important your work is.\r\n\r\n2. “We are busy, so go away!”\r\n\r\nThere is no need to explain yourself to any sorry ass that comes visiting you. You are busy, so you must be doing things right. That’s what being busy is all about, isnt it? No time to waste on learning new stuff. “I am busy!” should be a sufficient statement to make anyone run for the door without further ado.\r\n\r\n3. “That agile stuff will not work here!”\r\n\r\nAnd it won’t. For sure. Just look at all those companies that tried and failed. Even those that actually “succeeded” were just lucky. They have good people. Or they have been putting hours in their jobs and were properly busy. There’s no proof that agile practices work and even if there were, your situation is different, more complex, and more unique. Just forget it! Again, avoid questions about your situation. It’s all a waste of time.\r\n\r\n4. “We shouldn’t change for the sake of change!”\r\n\r\nThis statement will kill any attempt at change. The change rascal will start defending himself immediately and then you are in control of the situation. Get rid of that moron who wants to make change a goal in itself! Even if he meant well, just use this argument to get him out of your eyes. It’s the most effective statement of all five mentioned here because it looks like you are cooperative instead of being on the defence yourself. Try it!\r\n\r\n5. “We don’t need help, so there’s the door!”\r\n\r\nSometimes you just have to adhere to a certain “way of working” because those change culprits have talked your boss into it. Now both he and the Scrum police are on your heels. But hey, doesn’t Scrum say that everyone needs to self organize? Just do that and then keep doing whatever you did. Just fake things a bit by putting some of those shitty motivational agile posters on the walls at your workplace, put up a fake planning board with lots of colourful stickies in place and above all make sure that there will never be an agile coach hanging around.\r\n\r\nSo there you go: five super easy ways to avoid agile evil.\r\n\r\nNow you can just focus on the job you love and work with the people you admire and who admire you. You will discover ways to improve your job. Just by doing it, by helping those around you do their jobs and by addressing your collective responsibilities. Finally you will have time to truly self organize, get a great job done and improve along the way.\r\n\r\nThe acclaim from your customers will be well-deserved!